Innocence Lost
by xXHeart of GoldXx
Summary: Nessarose leaves a letter for her sister, explaining what happened to her after she left Shiz.


Disclaimer: I don't own Wicked.

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I am not the person you probably thought I was, or think I am. I had been a sweet, innocent girl once, always listening to daddy and trying to please him the best I could. Well, I never had to try, really. All I had to do was blink and he'd think I just won a major award. He wasn't like that to you, my sister, poor Elphaba. He blamed you for everything that went wrong, and you got beaten for it, too. I had to listen to him whip you or do things so horrid, I wouldn't even know what they were. But he made you cry out in pain, and I had to listen to it as a small child. I questioned him to why he did it, and he always said it was because you were green, killed mother, and made me crippled.

That was so far from the truth. You are green, but you never should have been punished for it. Despite the beatings, you were always smarter and stronger than me. I admired you so much, but I hated the fact you thought you had to care for me every second of the day. It was father who told you to do so, but it was me who wanted you to back off. But I let you care for me. Whenever I was with you, you weren't beaten. Maybe slapped, but no blood or tears were shed. When I was with you, you was safe from him, and quite honestly, I stopped caring about my needs and didn't mind when you claimed you had to help me dress or something. I knew I could do all these things myself even though I was told I was delicate and unable to. As long as it kept you from getting hurt, I was more than willing to pretend to be incapable of doing anything.

And it was me who killed our mother, not you. I was the one who sucked the life out of her, being born too early and making her bleed out during my birth. I felt responsible, but kept it to myself for so long. I never even told you.

And it was never your fault I was crippled. It was father's own Oz damned fault for making mother chew those disgusting milk flowers.

Now that I got that out of the way, I can start by saying how I became who I am today; how I changed from being that delicate, fragile wheelchair bound girl to a power hungry governor.

It started off when you ran off to the Emerald City after Glinda returned, but you didn't. I was angry that you left me without even saying goodbye. It pained me that you never came back or sent a letter to me to explain what was going on, or even to tell me that you were safe. I felt like you were being selfish, just taking off like that. Nevertheless, I don't blame you for making me a person who got pleasure from taking other's rights away. It wasn't your fault I was dubbed Wicked Witch of the East. But it started with your leaving that made me who I am today.

It was inevitable who I would become. Really, it was.

Anyway, I'm getting off track.

So, you left and I was devastated. That, you understand. I became depressed because you are my sister who I'd grown up with, and suddenly, you were gone and I thought you didn't care for me.

Glinda stepped in and picked up the pieces. We became very good friends quickly. She assured me she wasn't filling the void for losing you, but I knew for a time she was.

I gained some independence. I proved to everyone I didn't need someone serving me and being there all of the time, so Morrible let me room with Glinda. I was thankful for this. I mean, who would ever want to share a suite with that awful woman?

So, you gave me part of my independence. Thank you for that. It was probably a great moment in my life, despite your disappearance and my heart ache for my sister.

Glinda gave me the rest of my independence one day when she enchanted my shoes so that I could walk on my own. I don't know why I did it, but that very moment after I took my first few steps, I kissed her hard. And she kissed me back. Now, I don't know if you ever held feelings for her, but she definitely held romantic feelings for you.

But I didn't care. I had no feelings for her, either. We found comfort in each other and slept together on numerous occasions. I knew it would make father angry if he found out because I had this deep hatred for him still. She knew I slept with her just for kicks, and I knew she didn't really love me at that point in time. I loved that I could be dominant with her, though. I had never held any power before, and knowing that I had so much power over that blonde friend of yours gave me a rush. She loved being submissive, and I loved exerting this dominance I never knew I had until then. Our secret relationship, if you'd call it that, was perfect: no mutual love, and lots and lots of sinful sex that father would hate.

Now, Glinda still had Fiyero and I still had Boq. But nobody knew that Glinda and I had each other behind closed doors. I bet you never would have guessed that your devout little sister would ever sleep with someone, let alone another woman, did you? I can imagine the shock look on your face. And I bet you'd never guess that boy chasing blonde is a lesbian, did you?

I will tell you right now that Glinda never loved Fiyero. She never, ever loved him. How do I know? Well, I'll get to that.

So, I graduated Shiz and went back home to Munchkinland while Glinda accepted a position with the Wizard.

Now, here is where you might want to sit down. If this wasn't shocking enough to you, the next part will be.

Father went on a rant about you becoming the Wicked Witch of the West and how you shamed this family. He said if he ever saw you again, he'd beat you until you wished you were put into Southstairs. Now, I hated how he spoke about you. Even though you never contacted me, I still cared about you. You're my sister, I love you.

Apparently, he had taken up drinking. It was awful, really. I was surprised Munchkinland was functioning properly. I would escape his drunken rampages monthly, fleeing to the Emerald City and staying with Glinda. We'd still sleep together. She admitted she didn't know what she felt for me. Was it lust? Love? I didn't even know what I felt for her, either. All I knew was I loved when she submitted to me when I put my hand between her legs.

One night back in Munchkinland was terrible. Father got drunk and began to hurt me. He called me Elphaba. I told him repeatedly that I was Nessarose, the other daughter. But he wouldn't listen. He had his way with me and called me Melena the entire time. I began to wonder if he ever did this to you back when we were younger. I hoped not. It was painful enough as an adult. He then said he'd do the same to you when you returned.

This didn't just happen once, but it happened many times. I think he was just an abusive man. When you weren't there, he'd take it out on me even though I was his favorite. I wondered what he did to you and what he would do to you if he did _this_ to his favorite. He told me every time after his horrible acts that this was his secret.

One night I had enough. While I was on the kitchen floor helpless, I grabbed a knife from the floor. Why it was on the floor, I had no idea. It just was. I didn't want this to ever happen to you (again) and I didn't want to somehow get pregnant with my own father's child, so I took that knife. I smiled, told him I had a secret. He was confused. I told him that his death was my secret.

I killed him. I killed our father so we didn't have to suffer any longer. I hoped that once his death was announced, you'd come back to Munchkinland.

But you didn't. Not until that day you surprised me by coming out of my wardrobe. I had already gotten Boq to come stay with me, claiming I still loved him. I didn't. I don't think I ever did. But I pretended to, seeing as Glinda was engaged to Fiyero.

I was mad you never returned. So, I apologize that I blamed father's death on you due to "shame" and I know it was my fault Boq turned into a Tinman. Not yours. I guess I was just mad at you still for leaving Shiz without a warning. I was out of line, completely. I'm so sorry. I guess everything that happened was getting to me. The authorities knew I killed him, but they found out he raped me, so I wasn't in trouble with the law or anything. They kept it a secret and spread that rumor he committed suicide.

Anyway, you got mad at me, which I can completely understand. I was kind of a bitch. But the thing was, if you knew what happened, you probably wouldn't have been mad.

After you left, I paid a visit to the Emerald City to see Glinda. We slept together, and she blurted out that she fell in love with me. And I had to admit, I had fallen for her, too. I never thought I'd be involved with another woman, going as far as calling her my girlfriend, although, nobody knew about our secret.

Let me backtrack for a moment. You're probably wondering why I took the Munchkin's rights away. And quite honestly, I couldn't tell you. I guess I still felt trapped, even with father's death and I wanted everyone else to be trapped so I could have power. I was obsessed with the feeling of dominance at that point, and I wanted everyone to know that I was on top and they were all below me.

Anyway, there was a moment when I thought I was going to die when a house came towards me. My first thought wasn't death, though. My first thought was since when the fuck do houses fly? Then, it was death. I tried to get to safety, but no Munchkin would let me in their house. So, because I have the best luck in the world, the house fell on me, knocking me out cold.

When I woke up, I found my slippers to be gone, I couldn't walk, and I had a throbbing headache. Oh, and I was being taken care of by a Gorilla up in a tree. I had been in a coma for weeks, months even. I was shocked, but glad I was alive and that this Gorilla saved me. He never gave me his name, but he found me a wheelchair and said that since I was awake, I could go along. He saved me, but he didn't feel like taking care of me or helping me once I woke up.

I managed to get to the Emerald City, visiting Glinda whom ruled Oz apparently. She told me everything that happened while I was in a coma- how Fiyero left her for you, how you two made up after your petty fight, and how you melted when a little girl threw a bucket of water on you.

Needless to say, I laughed at that. Glinda said she had missed my laugh, but asked why in Oz I'd be laughing. Well, I knew water wouldn't melt you. That was probably the dumbest thing I've ever heard of and all of Oz believed it- even my cute, little blonde girlfriend. She had been so depressed about your "death" that I just had to tell her you are still alive.

Which is why I'm writing this note to you and leaving it in Kiamo Ko. There were just so many things I had to get off my chest to tell you.

I'm sorry for all of the times I hurt you and/or blamed you for something you didn't do. I'm sorry for a lot of things that I have done. I will not be taking my place back as Eminent Thropp, but instead I will be with Glinda and living happily, helping her rule Oz. I may be power hungry still, but she balances me out. I'm great at writing documents with no loopholes, and she's great and making speeches.

I'm your sister, I love you. So I beg of you to at least leave a letter or drop by some time. I'm not dumb, I know you're not dead. I even found the trap door. Either I'm extremely smart, or you are terrible at faking your own death. But then again, everyone else believed it. I'm beginning to see why you always questioned humanity and whatnot.

Anyway, I forgive you for leaving Shiz, and I hope you understand why I became who I am today. I'm not as bad as I was during my term as Eminent Thropp, but I'm not the little sister you left at Shiz. You mean so much to me, Elphaba. You mean so much to both me and Glinda. It hurts both of us that you faked your death and didn't even tell her. Why didn't you tell her? She was so hurt when I showed up. Why would you run off again? Why would you do that to us? Why couldn't you just have cared about your own Ozdamn rights instead of the Animals?

I wasted enough of your time with this. I hope you read the damn thing considering we weren't on the best of terms during our last encounter.

You're the only family I have left. I hope I'll see you again, Elphaba.

Your loving sister,

Nessarose

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Elphaba held the letter to her chest, letting her tears fall from her cheeks. Her sister was alive. So much had happened to her, and Elphaba felt she caused it, especially the parts where Frex had hurt her, although, Nessa assured her that it wasn't her fault these things happened. "I have to go see them," Elphaba said, after reading the letter for the fifth time.

"You can't, Elphaba," Fiyero said to her.

"Can I at least leave a letter?"

"No."

"But they know I'm alive," Elphaba whispered.

"It doesn't matter," Fiyero replied. "It's bad enough someone might have seen this one and discovered you. I say no, it's too risky." Elphaba nodded and went into her bedroom, rereading the letter again.

"Oh, Nessa," Elphaba cried. "Who would have thought I'd be submitting myself to a man and you'd place your dominance onto a woman? I always thought it would be the other way around." She stared up into the sky from her window in the castle of Kiamo Ko.


End file.
